Dear Villainess,
After my last crushing defeat, I'm desperately in need of some quickie cash for plastic surgery and a new hideout. I came up with a brilliant plan in which I will sell U.S. military surplus junk to a bunch of desperate Middle Eastern terrorists, then double my money by giving it to South American rebels in exchange for cocaine to peddle on the streets of the ghetto in my home city for huge wads of dough. However, my best friend Steve says that this has already been done. Please tell me that it hasn't. Or that the guy who did it before made a billion dollars.
- Where's George? And More to the Point, Where's Benjamin?

Dear Poster-Boy for Mammon,
I am going to say a few very harsh things in the next paragraph, so I want to start out by saying that you have tremendous potential as a villian. Upon needing quick cash, you do not seek for a job, look for a loan from your parents, or knock over a bank. Oh no, you come up with a scheme that involves three continents, two groups of disgruntled people with guns, transport of vast amounts of illegal material, and finally an attempt to go toe-to-toe with more experienced cocaine dealers on their own turf. This tropism to complexity, danger, and absurdity can only be displayed by a true villian - or a massive, bloated, hubris-laden, imperial superpower government.

Which brings me to the bad news. Some guys from the U.S. government tried this a few decades ago and the only thing that saved them from long jail terms was shameless pandering, crying in public, and performing fellatio on Ronald Reagan*. Being homeless and maimed for the rest of your life could hardly be that bad.

While we're on the subject, what else won't bring in quick cash?

10. Kidnapping the President's daughter. They don't pay the president jack these days, and the Secret Service will shoot him if he tries to give out the combination to Fort Knox. Also, presuming that the President cares about his daughters assumes a modicum of human feeling and responsibility inside the man. I'm not holding my breath til we get a President with that.

9. Sending an army of giant mutated vegetables into banks. Fun Fact 172: Very few vegetables have the opposable thumbs necessary to open the swinging glass doors.

8. Selling the story of your life to Hollywood. If they liked it they would have stolen it by now.

7. Selling the story of your life to a sitcom producer. See #8.

6. Hiring a ghostwriter and selling the story of your life on the Avenue of the Americas. See #7, plus you don't want your picture on a dust jacket til after you've had the plastic surgery anyway.

5. Licensing your image to the Home Shopping Network to sell "collectible fantasy knives" that are worthless as collectibles and less effective as stabbing/ slicing weapons than the average brick. See #6.

4. Overstating the profits of a company you run (and coincidentally happen to own a buttload of stock in) using arcane accounting secrets taught at Miskatonic University... yeah, sorry kids, they just caught on to this one.

3. Pretending to know HTML and intimidating someone into handing you a check for that reason has pretty much died out too.

2. Collecting three or five or eight or twenty-one Talismans of Ultimate Power which when assembled in precisely the right shape at precisely the right location during a once-a-millenium astrological convergnece will give you ultimate power including the ability to conjure up money or material goods at will, but if the heros so much as sneeze on the pattern and alter a grain of dust you will instead be instantly and painfully destroyed atom by atom.

1.Amazon.com Associate.

*And public stupidity, but trust me, public stupidity is a factor over which no one has any meaningful control. Believe me, I've fucking well tried.
- The Villainess

Dear Villainess -
Did you ever wonder why drive-up ATMs have Braille on them? Hahahahahaha the government sure sucks don't it?
- Joe Libertarian

Dear Moron -
For blind people in taxis. They can't very well tell the cab driver their PIN now can they? It's morons like you who would never in a million years think of that, not the handicapped or beaurocrats, who create the neccessity for government regulations about everything in the first place. Fuck you, you fucking moronic fuckhead. Fuck you and every other asshole who ever forwarded me an unfunny political joke. And the people who think that it's funny enough to put in newspapers. And the ones who tell it to me over coffee when I want to just drink my damn coffee in peace. And especially you motherfuckers who tell it to me at work, where as part of the terms of my employment I can't tear your eyes out with my fingernails and shove them so far up your nostrils that you choke. And then you get pissed off because I don't laugh and flirt. Seriously, it's people like you that drove me to become an Amazon.com Associate in the first place.
- The Villainess