Dear Villainess -
A friend and I have been having a purely hypothetical argument. If one throws up at a party in someone else's home, is it correct to A.) tell no one and slink away or B.) tell the host and then slink away?
- Emily Post
Dear Technicolor Yawn Artiste -
Both of you are wrong. When one throws up at a party one should immediately and contritely alert the host and offer to take over clean-up duty. While you're being shown to the mop and Pinesol, your partner can discretely pocket small valuables, and when you want to leave immediately afterward no one will find it suspicious.
- The Villainess
Dear Villainess -
Long story short, I'm knocked up. I want to have an abortion but my boyfriend wants to keep it (even though it's not his - by the way, does promiscuity still count as evil in and of itself?) Who is right?
- Oops, I skipped a pill
Dear Careless Self-Medicator,
No, promiscuity does not count as evil unto itself. However, it can be highly useful for pissing off the Religious Right and, of course, your partner. Be sure to combine it with self-confidence rather than self-loathing, though, or it will just make the RR gloat, rather than irking them. (It will still piss off your partner.)
As for your more pressing problem, I would love to tell you to bring one more unwanted wretch into the world to fuck it up further, but even The Villainess has limits upon the depths to which her evil will sink. Eliminate the womb parasite ASAP before it sucks up any more of your valuable resources. Afterwards, well... intelligent animal lovers have long since been in the habit of spaying and neutering their pets. I suggest you get smart and follow their example.*
- The Villainess
*The Villainess would like to dedicate this column to Ann Landers, who in one of her last acts of idiocy on this earth suggested that a woman with an unwanted pregnancy ought to turn the situation into an unwanted child for all the world to deal with through our already overburdened foster care system. Thanks a lot, you dumb breeder bitch.