Dear Villainess,
Recently, I settled a lawsuit with Acme Co. for sale of defective and dangerous products. Not only did the items that I ordered from them play a big role in the failure of my schemes, they often embarrassed or physically injured me. Needless to say, I am now looking for a new supply company and am eager not to repeat the kind of experience I had with Acme. Any tips?
- Bruised and Bewildered in Boulder
Dear Ralph Nader Posterboy,
Ah, the perils of consumer society. One of the great pleasures of the villainous lifestyle is the sheer coolness of the toys involved, but as you have noted, this wears thin quickly if they don't work as advertised.
The solution many villains have hit upon is to build their own. This can lead to some truly magnificent creations that really express your own inner madness. Think of Darth Vader's light saber, Oswald Cobblepot's umbrellas. The downside is that this limits your repertoire to what you have the skill and materials to create. It can be time consuming. And of course, if the device malfunctions you've got no one to blame but your damn self.
If you visit a storefront, be sure to patronize the one with the rudest clerks. It is well-known, firstly, that rude clerks are minor villains in their own right, and we need to stick together. More to the point, service is almost always inversely proportional to quality of merchandise. Think about it. Places like Wal-mart have to pay geezers to follow you around and encourage you to buy their crap precisely because it is crap - cheap plastic shit made by untrained slave-labor in the third world with virtually no quality control. The Villainess herself would not patronize Wal-mart if it were the last damn place on earth to get both black AND purple lipstick. Whereas used book and record store clerks are notoriously standoffish, because they have desirable product that is either more expensive elsewhere, or plain old unavailable. When you get to the level of fine wines, antiques, and jewelry, a snotty sales clerk is part of the service you're paying for. Let's face it, if you're shopping with the aim of having someone be nice to you, you ought to be shopping for a therapist or a prostitute.
That's all well and good, but what if you're purchasing by mail or online? Well, then it's a little more tricky. Understand the basic physics (or metaphysics) behind any item you purchase. Beware of devices that lacking braking mechanisms and other failsafes. Ask for recommendations from other villains you know who have a scheme style similar to your own.
Or, since you are already in Colorado, you could leave off roadrunners and eat everyone at Focus on the Family headquarters instead. They're too dumb to run, and I know gals who would thank you for it.
- The Villainess
Dear Villainess,
I'm thinking of starting a physical fitness program, but my buddies at the lab say that isn't a very mad scientist thing to do. What do you think?
- 98-lb Weakling
Dear Non-Metric-Using Freak,
Nearly every mad scientist wants to defeat death, right? Granted, preferably you want to defeat death with electricity or something that can be injected via a scary-looking hypodermic needle, but until you get there there's no harm in tiding yourself over with sensible diet and moderate exercise. Plus, if you bulk up a little you stand a better chance of self-defence, though honestly aginst a torch-weilding mob it doesn't usually make a whole lot of difference.
- The Villainess