Dear Villainess,
I've been thinking about getting a second secret hideout to serve as a summer home. Any words of wisdom?
- Too Hot in Tucson
Dear Hot Stuff,
A timely query indeed. The question of the summer hideout is a tricky one and depends heavily on your individual circumstances. The pros include an air of aristocracy and wealth (and we all know it's more important to present an air of these things than to actually have them); an added layer of uncertainty about your whereabouts at any given time; and most obviously, personal comfort. The main cons are expense and the inconvenience of moving twice a year.
If you do decide to get a summer hideout, remember the main rule of real estate: location, location, location. The most popular summer hideouts are:
1. Abandoned missile silo - This may be an excellent choice because of the savings on air conditioning that being underground can bring, and the relative unobtrusiveness of the structure on the landscape. Ask yourself first and foremost, is it really abandoned? Also be sure to check for flooding and insect problems.
2. Glacier, ice mountain, or cold waste - You'll spend even less on a.c. than in a missile silo, and heroes will have a bitch of a time reaching you. Conversely, your commute will also be more of a hassle, so this is probably only a good choice for villains who have reliable flying or teleportation machines, or who plan to take the summer off and just scheme. Make sure to take the effects of global warming into account, lest your arctic palace of today be drifting into Canada tomorrow.
3. Frozen custard stand - profitable, fun, centrally located, and useful for money-laundering or luring young victims if that's your gig. Downside is constant sickly-sweet smell, tendency to stick to the floor, and the hassle of running an actual, legitimate business.
4. Yacht, ship, boat, and/ or deserted island - Preferably both, since a yacht is useless without a safe place to refuel and an island is worse than useless without a means of egress. Definitely presents a fun, sporty, up-market air; you may even be able to get film stars to come visit you. However, excessive sun and surf is inimical to sickly pallor. Also the Army occasionally gets a wild hair up their ass and decides to use some random island for nuclear tests, which can be a distraction, what with the giant mutant monsters afterwards and all.
- The Villainess
Dear Villainess,
The wedding of my goody-two-shoes half brother to a princess from a neighboring territory is coming up in a few weeks. Given that I'm planning to wreck the ceremony, kidnap the bride, and if possible kill the groom, does it matter if I RSVP for the reception?
- The Black Prince
Dear Blackie,
Of course it matters. If you RSVP that you're coming, that's one more entree that the bride's family is out the price of. Adding insult to injury through attention to detail is the mark of a really great villain.
- The Villainess