Dear Villainess,
Recently my therapist recommended that I try to work through some of my issues with my family. Unfortunately, my Good Twin still seems to be carrying a grudge about the incident a few years ago when I used our uncanny resemblance to get him fired, frame him for a gruesome nun-murder, and kidnap his wife and children. He has refused my overtures point-blank, even though all I want is to go to a nice restaurant and talk things out over sushi. I feel like this is really holding up my recovery. What should I do?
- Blood is Thicker Than Water - And Prettier
Dear Thickhead,
Say it with flowers. Everyone loves a floral arrangement, and I'm not just saying that because I've got several relatives in the florist biz. If some nice tasteful mums don't soften his heart, it may also be necessary to kidnap his wife and/or kids again.
- The Villainess
Dear Villainess,
A while back I wrote to a middle-tier advice columnist regarding a problem I have with my boyfriend. He dislikes and mocks my vocabulary, which is more extensive than his because I went to college and he didn't. She said that using big words was show-offy and I should get over myself and stop making him feel inferior, so I tried that for awhile, but now I'm more miserable than ever. Second opinion?
- Vocabularia
Dear Burned Consumer of Other, Inferior Advice Columnists,
First of all, college by itself doesn't give anyone a big vocabulary. I would venture to suggest that if you have a noticeably bigger vocabulary than your boyfriend, it's because you're smarter and better read than him, which leads me in turn to question what you're doing with him in a world with so many lovely single mad scientists. But perhaps you're one of those freaks with a bulging muscle fetish or something. Far be it from me to judge.
Anyhow, yes, by all means trim down your vocabulary to make your inarticulate and insecure boyfriend more comfortable. I mean, it's not like actually being able to use the full range of the English language is in any way valuable. It's not like people should ever be challenged to grow intellectually by those close to them, or indeed at all. The stupid and ignorant should always be comforted at the expense of the intelligent. Any sort of education or intellectualism should always be regarded with nothing but hostility and suspicion. If we didn't believe this as a culture, we wouldn't have turned out in droves to watch Forrest Gump, or elevated a semi-retarded subliterate crack monkey to the highest office in the land.
Ach, fuck not judging, dump his ass and let me see if I can't hook you up with a nice nuclear physicist.
The Villainess also notes that she partly suspects that the OIAC would not have told a man to dial down his brain to keep his wife happy. But the Villainess is suspicious like that.
- The Villainess