Dear Villainess -
Although I love your work, I am not myself a villain. I'm just an average, run-of-the-mill crook. In my line of work, one always picks the weak and vulnerable victim who is not in a position to fight back. However, it seems that you villains spend a lot of time messing around with "heroes" who are the toughest bastards and in the best position to fight back. Why such a counter-intuitive strategy?
- Ken Lay
Dear Satan-spawn,
The rational part of my mind acknowledges that that is a good fucking question. But my right brain is screaming that the fact that you even need to ask demonstrates precisely why you will never be a true villain.
You see, there's this thing about heroes. They're just so damn.... what I mean to say is, they.... it can commonly be noted....
THEY'RE ARROGANT BASTARD MOTHERFUCKERS, ALL RIGHT?!?!?!?
Sorry, but the subject tends to make a true villain a little tense. Because, and I re-iterate, the smarter members of our little union recognize the absolute justice of what you say. Speaking from a purely logical standpoint, we'd be far more successful if we could just kick this "go straight up against the hero on his own turf" habit. For an example of what a villain can do unencumbered by hero-types, shit, just look at Bill Gates! He's got almost all the same personality disorders I've got, but you don't see him buying new World Domination Boots at Payless, not anymore, oh no. Because he doesn't fuck around with heroes.
Unfortunately, not all of us have his strength. You see, the problem is, inside almost every cynic is a badly bruised idealist. And inside almost every villain is a kid who, at an impressionable age, realized that the hero-type in his or her classroom was no better than the budding villain him/herself, and in many significant aspects even worse. And yet is was the hero-type who got the props, the nookie, the scholarships, and in general The Goods.
I mean, let's face it, a great many of your standard heroes are some seriously brains-challenged, ethics-challenged motherfuckers*,**,***, who thanks to a bit of charisma and a talent or opportunity handed over on a silver platter, became The Shit. And, let's hear it people, we all know that we deserve it more than they do. And we can TASTE it. But we're never going to GET it.
Like Herod said to Jesus, "I only ask what I'd ask any Superstar/ What is it you have got that put you where you are?" It's a fair question, but only Herod asks it. And Jesus doesn't even have to answer!
The Villainess needs a nice stiff vodka. Thus endeth the answer.
- The Villainess
see also
*The Wrongs of Baxter Stockman
**Albus Just Ain't No Good (coming soon)
***And You Call Yourself a Scientist's review of Creator (offsite, just so you know I'm not pulling all this out of my ass.)
Dear Villainess -
So, if you're not a Christian, why do you celebrate Christmas?
- Santa Claus
Dear Fatso -
Well, you of all people should know, shouldn't you?
Actually, I don't "celebrate" Christmas so much as I choose to graciously accede to being bombarded with gifts and good food at that particular time of year. In fact, like most villains, I celebrate Longest Night, that finest of solstices when we can all gather round and pretend, in that part of even the most rational mind that craves the mythic, that maybe just this once the damn snake will succeed in swallowing the sun once and for all and Darkness Will Reign.
- The Villainess