Dear Villainess,
I accidentally, inadvertantly, and with no criminal intent left a dude in the trunk of my car last night. What with the unanticipated hot snap and all, he's already starting to smell funky. What now?
- Henry Hill
Dear Villainess,
Any advice for when you pour a project down the sink and it melts the plumbing?
- Marie Curie
Dear Villainess,
Whatever it is that I summoned into my basement on Monday, it's starting to crawl up through the floorboards and into the living room. The dog licked it and turned green and grew an extra eye. How do I solve this untidy domestic problem?
- August Delerth
Dear Triumverate of Famous Figures in No Position To Sue Me -
Yes, housekeeping issues are a sore spot for many a villain. For every evil genius with an awe-inspiringly swank, stylish, well-kept pad, there are five who can't find the keys to the dungeon when they need them and who routinely discover that their henchpersons have become stuck to the floor.
Essentially, there are five levels of mess:
1. Messes that you would happily tackle with a broom and dustpan
2. Messes that require gloves
3. Messes that require gloves, facial mask, and decon suit, all of which will have to be thrown away in a sealed container once you're done.
4. Messes that should be cleaned up by a henchperson you really don't like anymore
5. Messes that are best dealt with by just setting the house on fire and running away.
Now, test yourself - which of the letter writers has which kind of mess? If you said 2*, 3, and 5**, respectively,congratulations. You can probably keep your lair as clean as it needs to be.
- the Villainess
* FYI: banana peels will mask and absorb the odor of human decay. True fact!
** Before you go to the trouble of burning the house down, be sure that whatever it is that you're trying to get rid of will burn.