Dear Villainess,
I am a honcho in an evil, world-dominating corporation. We keep our subjects happy with bread and circuses in the form of violent sports and lots of Frank Lloyd Wright architecture, but recently one of the star players had gotten uppity and refused to take forced retirement. I want to humiliate and possibly kill him in an all-out, no-holds-barred death match in front of gazillions of viewers. What is the dorkiest color uniform to make him wear?
Signed,
Fashion-unconscious
Dear Unconscious,
Let me get this straight.
A.) When you 'force people into retirement', you don't just have security escort them to the door and off the planet? I want to work for you guys.
B.) If he's such a star, why not just let him play out til he wants to retire? Only two results can occur. Either he retires and/or dies a hero, and you make mints off of endorsements and replica jerseys, or he begins to slip, at which point you belatedly 'discover' his girlfried-beating, drug-abusing ways and humiliate him in the media instead of the arena. Your way, you're just begging to have him pull off a miracle victory and humiliate _you_ in front of gazillions of viewers, instead of the other way round.
But if you have to do it your way, I'd go with orange.
- The Villainess
Dear Villainess,
I know that turning into a snake never helps. But sometimes, I just get the urge so bad! Do you think maybe turning into a giant newt would be a good compromise?
- Hissing in Helsinki
Dear Hissing,
If you must turn into a creature with minimal limbs, try a Great Auk. This will surely startle your heroic adversaries, and if they have any sense of environmental responsibility they'll feel obliged to not only spare your life, but find you a mate, which should keep them distracted for years while you resume your original form and go back to wreaking havoc.
- The Villainess